New Year, New realizations and New Promises to myself

***Warning!!!  Rant to follow.  It will contain a plethora of "I's and Me's****

It's 2011!  Be positive!  This is your year!  Fuck you all.

Everyone looks back on the year before and swears to make changes in the upcoming year.  Promises to themselves what they are going to change and all that happy horseshit.  I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to save money, quit smoking...whatever.  This year, I am making a resolution to myself.  And one that I'm going to keep.

This year, I resolve to be selfish.

Along with my annual house cleaning spree, where I toss out everything that I really don't need, I've decided I'm also going to clean up my life this year.  Physically and emotionally.

While I was throwing out bags after bags of junk (I'm afraid to become a hoarder), I had a lot of time to think over the events of the past year, and honestly?  It's a damn good thing I'm not suicidal, because I'd slit my throat if I was.  There was a situation that happened recently that made me take a good look at who I have in my life.  The people I refer to as "friends".  And then the realization hit me.  They are not friends.

They are acquaintances.

I think I can probably count on one hand my dearest and closest friends.  Those who truly know me.  Those who know WHO I am. So I started thinking.  I know who I am.  But do they?

I've celebrated your birthday, your engagements, your weddings, the birth of your children.

I've supported your businesses, your bands, your art.

I'm the one that picks up the phone, send the email, make the plans.

I've supported you through breakups, through your trauma, your illnesses. I've listened to you cry for hours, days and weeks. I'm the first one to offer to lend a hand, a shoulder, an ear.

I use phrases like "It's no problem", "I'm happy to help", "Please let me know what I can do", and my favorite, "no worries".

And yet, I'm still described as a "bitch" or "hard".


And it makes me realize that you really don't know me.  You don't know that I am fiercely protective of my family and friends. That I am fiercely loyal and that nothing feels worse than one of my loved ones hurting.  That I will put aside my own life and issues to help you through yours.


I was recently told by a friend that I'm "intimidating" and that I slap on the whole "cold hard bitch, don't fuck with me" persona.  And to be fair, yes, at times I do that.

And I've had my "A Ha!" moment.

The reason that I am like that is because of the times I've been disrespected, disappointed, taken for granted, and hurt by your words, your actions and your general disregard.

So get ready for some big changes this year.

This year I'm going to live up to the words "bitch", "diva", and "selfish".

This year I'm not going to be your designated driver, therapist, doctor, moving crew, piece of ass or whipping post.  I am not going to be the one to pick up the phone, send the email or make the plans.  I am done.

This year I am going to worry about my life, my relationships (or lack of ), my family and my overall happiness.

Some of you will think I'm a bitch.  Others will realize that I'm being brutally honest.  And for those that don't understand the place this is coming from?  As my father used to say, "Take a long walk off a short pier".

Happy New Year people!  Hope you enjoy it.  I know that I will.